Marta ~ May 29

 

It's not the plumber's fault that I haven't written yet. Though it is kind of. He arrived three hours ago and it's still not done, what we both thought would be a snap. But I've only got an hour left so I'll have to write even though I don't like the idea of being interrupted any minute. 

 

I had a meltdown this afternoon. Canceled my meeting with two friends to talk over the things we are all studying. In a way, I hadn't wanted to go. They had wanted to look at my papers, but asked me to come to their place, which is 20 minutes away. Far. I didn't argue. After all, they're good friends. And that wasn't why I had the meltdown. 

 

It's just that I sat down one more time to study the material, and it did not make sense. So my emotions hit the roof. It's been happening for months. I say, okay, I'm going to do this, and I settle right in with full determination, and then the way it is presented drives me around the bend. I mean, way round the bend. Like zero to sixty in one second. So, there I was around the bend, and I texted my friends and said I was in no state to meet and they said okay though I kind of wanted them to say, oh, can we help? What's wrong? But they just said okay, so I was on my own. Which within minutes felt just fine. 

 

I went into the cottage and finished prepping it for the guests, and then I remembered I had a wonderful experiential recording to listen to and since I'd canceled the afternoon meeting, I had time for it. By now, I was feeling calm. I still had some big challenges to surmount, but my mind had started to breathe again. 

 

And as I sat in the quiet room with the view of the mountain one of the things that I thought of was that it was time to see if I could get out of the rest of the course that was driving me crazy. It's been a few months. The last time I squawked, the teachers had sympathetically suggested that I give it a little more time, and they had been so nice, that I did. But I was fed up now. No more time. Even if it meant they would insist on their full payment. I just wasn't going to participate anymore. 

 

I wrote to them and sent the email. I looked at what I had sent an hour or two later. Maybe it was too abrupt. I tried to keep out any attitude, any criticism of them. I just want to quit and get released from my agreement to keep paying for another few months. I've already found another way to study the same material, but chose not to mention this. I'm curious how they will respond. They're not very good at keeping up with their correspondence. I might have to nudge them.