I was supposed to go to a party this afternoon, invited by a woman I am not really friends with though I have known her a long time. I was all set to go. She'd be the only person there I would know. That was okay. Meet a new crowd. Had my outfit more or less ready, nothing special mind you, except that shirt I picked up this week at the thrift store, just a tee shirt mostly, but I love the bright colors.
Until last night. Almost inevitably, I realized I did not want to go. Not that I didn't want to go, but that there were things I would rather do. For instance, yesterday was supposed to be a Fred-visit day, but the AirBnB prep took three times longer than usual ~ some messiness left behind by the previous guest, who was actually a friend, plus when there's a change of season all sorts of adjustments have to be made: the fan dug up, outdoor carpets put down, the umbrella thing, etc. So it took half the day. And I realized that the Fred visit would have to wait. Until Sunday because I was going to go to that party on Saturday.
In the evening, over at Valerie's house, just sitting in her screen porch and chewing the fat, I mentioned that I was going to a party the next day. "Are you crazy?" she blurted, and we both laughed. I was undeterred.
Earlier that day I had asked Nancy, the friend who had stayed in the AirBnB, how her visit with Fred had gone.
"He's really unhappy being there," she said.
"I know," I said. "Sometimes it comes up and sometimes it doesn't. I'm sorry you were there on a day when it was coming up."
"Well," she said, "he probably talked to me about it because I'm an old friend. He probably doesn't want to burden you."
"Fred has no problem burdening me," I said, hot under the collar. "He tells me very frankly when he's not happy."
She was unconvinced and I felt like strangling her, as if she had access to Fred in a way I didn't, which I utterly don't believe. With anyone else, I'd have no trouble believing it, but not with the man I have lived and breathed with for almost 25 years. Even if she met him first.
Though that difference of opinion is not the reason I changed my mind about the party. I always knew it was a long shot, but I sometimes make plans for the fairly distant future that I know are long shots, are not really my thing, but thinking, well, maybe this time, why not ~ and then usually they just don't fit and that's how it felt last night. A party today down in Wappingers Falls at Jackie's where there will be karaoke and probably alot of people who like motorcycles just doesn't really fit. So maybe I will die without ever having done karaoke. Nonetheless, today it's time for a visit to Fred. I think.
boy, for the feelings, I could have written this myself! Just for the feelings, the feeling of not wanting to go to a party you've said you'd go, for the bristling at the friend who presumes to know an important person in your life better than you do. As I say, for the feelings. Not the writing, the wonderful use of interior and spoken dialogue, the weaving together a story that starts with a simple statement
ReplyDeleteHow much is revealed in the binary decision to go or not to go! A rabbit hole of feelings, like we’ve lifted a lid on the narrator’s life. Well done
ReplyDeleteWell done well scripted inner and outer dialogue...resonate with not wanting and in the end not attending a party that will only disturb and drain further resources stretched too tight...the friend coopting a relationship with no knowledge of what is really going on. the cliff hanger ending...what will be the decision!
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