Tirza ~ May 30

 

Late start today, with all the goings on. 

First let me congratulate everyone, and myself most of all, for writing every single day, hell or high water.

This, during days as spectacular as today, imagine, sitting to write instead of facing the sun and breeze and birds and freshly planted calendulas, daisies and zinnias.

 

Very late start today, since I was interrupted for the length of the afternoon.  It’s almost the deadline time, and to gather thoughts, after forgetting to eat lunch and not yet having had dinner, may be difficult.

 

Today a lot of conflict happened and yet I was able to hold my own. I was able to sidestep the blame hurled at me, and be neutral, with my eye on the proverbial ball.  Well, this is what needs to happen. I didn’t apologize, that’s a big one. Huge, in fact. Historically, even when it’s not my fault, I was made to feel like I’ve done something wrong.  Regardless, I would say, I’m sorry but  ….  just to mollify.  This time the word sorry did not pass my lips.  Despite the meltdown on the other side of the phone call.

 

Even knowing that I may not have made sure they fully understood what had to happen this week, I had moved forward with the information I had and accomplished our goal.  That they had changed their goal, or hadn’t taken the time all these months to think about the logistics on their end was not something I could be sorry for, or judge them for.  But I sidestepped the pingpong of blame, and stayed neutral.  

I am not responsible either for what they think of me or will think of me.  This is family, and they have grown accustomed to my moving obstacles for them, dealing with the boring details as well as the gunfire, and lastly, restoring the family fortunes.  But they see me as forgetful, with a bad or just mediocre business mind.  That’s ok.  It is this mediocre forgetful person that wants to be done with the burden of serving this family.

 

So have I devolved into a form of complaining?  Perhaps.  But in doing so, my hope is that I am congratulating myself on this too, for my commitment towards freeing myself from the need to always make everyone happy.  I now rely on my own sense of what’s important.  The value of spending each day doing what is right for me, my priorities, my life.