Joe ~ May 14

 

A Feeling

 

When I was very young I used to get this feeling. For the life of me, I can explain what it was but I do recall it was within me and beyond me at the same time. Yes, that sounds strange and it was. It was a bit like being totally naked and afraid of something that was nearby waiting to take over my mind and body. This was not in a negative sense. It was a powerful sense and and as I grew and became accustomed to the rules and regs and judgements of my childhood and since I had no idea whether this feeling was supposed to be there, and since there was certainly no support from the folks who were supposedly guiding my upbringing, I thought this must be wrong to feel this way and would eschew this beguiling feeling. When I was young I had this reoccurring dream that I was emerging from a dark, cloudy and turbulent sky unto a street with houses and white picket fences and relative peacefulness. My gut tells me that this dream was some rendition of my birth. This belief could be interpreted by advanced psychological studies and have all kinds of hypothesis as to what it could possibly represent. I think it had something to do with this feeling. Sometimes I think I wish I could have embraced this feeling and see where it led, But my particular environment could not understand or support something that I thought was a bad thing. Why a bad thing? I can’t say…it was unique and gave me a sense of aloneness that was not present in the rest of my physical world. Does it have something to do with a past life? I’ll never fine out in this version of my existence. Is there such a thing as clairvoyance? Or is it a heightened sensitivity to being sensitive and considerate and being able to pick up on the vibrations and radiance of the people and situations that surround us all the time. Like a sponge I think so much of that strange mode of feeling was squeezed out of me. I don’t fault anyone in particular for ringing the substance of whatever made me feel this way. It was strong at a time but became watered down by life and the inability to discern what it was and how it might effect me. When I became a few years older I would have dreams of flying. When I was alone I could run and launch myself up and propel myself through the air. Once I gained altitude I would become panicky and fear that I could plummet back to earth at any moment. This too, in my mind, has a tie to my strange feeling. 

There have been times where that feeling has shown itself. It is very fleeting like a bird landing on your window cell and just when you notice it and want to take a closer look, it flys off. I often wonder what it would be like to do a reset. Everything I’ve ever experienced and known tossed up in the air like a sea of graduations mortars intermixing and left behind to be swept up and deposited in the used cap and gown bin. Am I to old and jaded to accept the possibility that somewhere buried deep in the annals of my cosmic self that feeling is still lingering and revolving around me like the moon goes around the earth effecting the tides of my being.