Heidi ~ May 9

 

It’s late, 11pm. I am sitting on the bathroom throne just before lights out and suddenly…

 

Exhaustion, woozy, dizzy, nauseous all at once, a wholebody tsunami

 

Even though I am sitting down

 

I HAVE TO SIT DOWN

 

Panic attach?  Heart? Stroke?

 

I stagger to the mirror and smile: NOPE not a stroke

 

Now I do panic: I haven’t finished the papers, the finances, funeral and burial arrangements, all the things to make it easy for my daughter when I die.  

 

So, I can’t die yet.

 

But, at 80 you never know.

 

I put my raincoat and purse by the front door…just in case.

 

I don’t want to call anyone, bother anyone this late.  But I want someone to know.  You know, in case I croak.

 

Picking up the phone is a herculean task. I call Niki, my BFF.

 

“Tell me exactly what is going on.” I mumble some fairly coherent symptoms.

 

“Do you want to go to the ER?”  

 

Ugh, sirens, big men telling me not to walk around to collect my socks, heading to the wrong ER, neighbors seeing.  I’ve been there before.  Don’t want to do that!

 

My head is fuzzy.  My voice is coming from out there somewhere, disembodied.  As we talk, my psyche opens the door and peeks in.  Maybe it is okay to come back in..tentatively. 

 

“I think I’m better.”

 

“Okay, I’ll call you back in 15 minutes to check.”  Niki is up late making a mango cheese cake.  Normal things.

 

Her voice is soft and present. “I’m 20 minutes, maybe 22, away.”

 

Three 15-minute intervals later, I am more settled.  I think I’ll live.  I have my friend. 

 

I vow to get those papers in order.  Because, you know, at 80 you just never know.